Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Velcrow
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?