If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
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Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
The legends speak of a third Duran…