Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”