I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“no gods no masters” = leo
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not