Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus