I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*