beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.