I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.