I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days