Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
You Might Also Like
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
wtf management?!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does