I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
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Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars