10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
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You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”