A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]