*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.