In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
just having fun
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.