“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Banana is the quietest snack
This might be me.
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I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines