The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit