Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
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My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup