Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
when you are just born a rebel
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.