the battle rages on
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People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.