Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*