my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
When someone says you are so lazy