A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Stop.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.