*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
You Might Also Like
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.