Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Employees must applaud the planets.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.