Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?