Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
what the
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.