her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
become ungovernable
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn