the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“i am a sweet baby”
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”