Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain