My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
bury ourselves
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.