Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
You Might Also Like
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I have a type: disappointing
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”