Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.