ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
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You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
how much for the angry fruit?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.