Almost forgotโฆ๐๐๐๐๐
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to โpickโ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said โeveryone grab an aubergineโ and I said โthatโs how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?โ and literally nobody laughed
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: Iโll have what sheโs having
Her: two divorces then please
A diamond is forever, and so is my teenโs grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
โdelete your accountโ and what, leave my children NOTHING
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: I have a new water bottle! Iโm gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: แดสส แด๊ฐ แดส สษช๊ฐแด ษช๊ฑ แดแดแด
Donโt judge me because it said โfamily sizeโ and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Any refunds available?โฆ
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Once Iโve made up my mind about something, thereโs no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, theyโre called โhuddlesโ and โtackles.โ
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me itโs 7
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and Iโm just crossing my fingers that they wonโt make me stand up.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.