Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.