16: Mom, do we have any cheese?
Me: Bring me my purse.
16:
Me: I said, bring me my purse!
16: Cheese?
Me: BRINGGG MEEE MYYY PURSE!
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How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.