A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down