Crying no one at my office is dressed up today meanwhile I am sitting at my desk looking like this help
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.