We as a society have surpassed the need for whoppers in Halloween candy bags
You Might Also Like
also my go-to takeaway order
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Put this video in the Louvre
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Wise advice
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.