Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I only eat vegetarians.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.