Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
(Gaming support cat.)
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.