Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.