Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
The little toadstool has spoken.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
guys I’m going home
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.