*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” š„°
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
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When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldnāt wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So Iām just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Donāt mind me, Iām just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
For only Ā£3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. Youāll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Thereās always someone who says āmust be niceā when they hear a coworker is off from work and likeā¦my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I donāt have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.