first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
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Miscakes
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦