Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You Might Also Like
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“No way.” -Jose
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Owl Sanctuary
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”