Good morning y’all ☀️
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My new favorite headline
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.