Goodnight 馃惗
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I鈥檓 sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year鈥檚 calendar on the fridge*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I鈥檓 not at my laptop so I can鈥檛 answer you but don鈥檛 worry鈥擨鈥檓 eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I鈥檒l be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
there are few problems in life that can鈥檛 be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 馃幁
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy