how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
This guy’s not having it 😆
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other